Masturbating Through a Pandemic

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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…”.  Charles Dickens poetry rings true more now than ever during a global pandemic.  Sociologists and dermatologists are raising concerns on the impact of COVID-19 on masturbation.  Dr. Hurns, a sociologist at Ball State University states, “Masturbation levels in the aggregate are actually roughly unchanged by the Coronavirus, adjusting for seasonality.  However, rates of masturbation during COVID-19 have become much strongly linked to economic, social, and geographic factors.”  This pandemic effect everyone differently.

Increased rates for those living alone have been offset by an equal decrease among those sheltered at home with family or roommates.  Those in constant and close proximity with others have not surprisingly found it difficult to achieve the social distancing necessary to consume pornography.  This challenge is exponentially harder for those living in close quarters, which disproportionally impacts those in dense cities and of lower economic status.  Some have worked around this issue be adjusting sleep schedules.  Others like Jeff Richards, father of 2 in 1200 square foot Cleveland apartment, have simply given up masturbation until a vaccine for COVID-19 can be found.  According to Jeff, “I’ve heard my neighbor jerking off on several occasions since he started working from home in March.  Between teleworking, home schooling, and the news I just can’t find the time.”

Figure 1:  According to Ball State University Study 15 Mar – 7 May 2020.

 

Dermatologists have come to their own conclusions about masturbation in times of the Coronavirus.  Dr. Ashley Pounds, a dermatologist in Maryland has seen a spike in cases of extreme chaffing as a result of chronic masturbation.  Dr. Pounds says, “As they say, idle hands are the devil’s workshop.  So many folks are out of job or working from home.  Bars and strip clubs are closed.   There’s no sports.  Tinder is no longer viable.  You do the math.”

She goes on to explain most people can self-regulate and avoid reaching level of chaffing that require medical attention.  However, others simply need help.   Demand for dermatologists to address genital wounds spiked in Early April.  “We’re still seeing cases here in May, however fortunately the curve has flattened, Dr. Pounds says.  Millennials are the hardest hit generation by COVID-19, they make up the great majority of masturbation chaffing cases.  According to Dr. Pounds, “Under normal circumstances teenage boys are my typical clientele.  However, they’re stuck at home with parents that rarely leave this house.  Gen X and Baby Boomers have settled down and are past their prime from a masturbation perspective.  It’s the millennials that by in large have redirected their energy towards masturbation, to the extreme in some instances.  These chronic masturbators are a subset of those that have been hoarding tissue and toilet paper.”

It’s important for everyone to reach out to vulnerable loved ones that are living at home in these difficult times.  Encourage them to stay safe and masturbate responsibly.

 

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