Partisan Carrier Pigeons May Sway Election, Says Watchdog

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Partisan Carrier Pigeons May Sway Election, Says Watchdog

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Alexander Crouton-Skitch
Alexander Crouton-Skitch
Just because times have changed, doesn't mean I have to.

WASHINGTON— Fred McGruff, consumer watchdog and voting rights advocate warns voters that carrier pigeons, pressed into service to cover USPS slowdowns ordered by new Post Office Chief and Republican Party Fundraiser Louis DeJoy may have been influenced by partisan politics.

Pigeons wearing Make America Great Again Hats have already been spotted in Las Vegas, prompting outrage from PETA, amateur birders, and other watchdogs.

“This is an outrage!” said McGruff. “I’m not so concerned about the PETA people getting their feathers in a fluff because they probably don’t vote anyway, but for regular citizens who care about the future and what’s really going on, this is reprehensible!

I’ve heard those little red hats are all made in China – like the big red hats sized for human brain pans – and that’s just as un-American as things can get!”

McGruff railed against small, pea-brained creatures being swayed by political party talking points and promises of extra feed and safer coop housing, especially in the suburbs.

“I’ve been training my carrier pigeons to deliver ballots to board of election centers because every vote counts, and I never, ever tell them to influence the vote this way or that way, or not to visit a certain neighborhood or to soil one district any more than they’d soil any other district.

Imagine – swaying these bird brains at a time like this!” he added.

Reports of widespread carrier pigeon coop foreclosures are under current investigation.

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