PORTLAND, OR (TheSwoggle) – It is reported that the city council of Portland, Oregon are considering a proposed city ordinance that will require all registered Republican voters to adorn their outer clothing with a bright, conspicuous, capital letter “R”. The new law, if enacted, would take effect January 1, 2021, and whose violation would result in a fine and a possible jail sentence.
City officials who proposed the regulation, colloquially referred to as the “Red Letter Law”, state that it is out of interest to public safety and decency that the statute be enacted. “Every day, while zipping around on my electric scooter, Portlandians from all corners of this great city have approached me expressing concern that conservative Republicans walk amongst them, undetected,” a city councilmember explained, asking to remain anonymous. “They are worried, understandably, that within the city jurisdiction, people with differing political opinions are allowed to work, eat, shop, and socialize with impunity. This simply cannot do.”
“By identifying Republicans with a bright red and unmistakably large letter “R”, Portlandians will be able to decide who they wish to deal or interact with, both and personally and professionally,” the councilmember continued. “The voting records tell us that less than 20% of the population are registered as Republican, and we want to know who these people “R” at all times.” The member concluded with a chuckle.
While the basic framework of the “Red Letter Law” has been laid out and agreed to by the Portland city council, some the fine details have yet to be hashed out. “Will they have to wear the ‘R’ on both the front and back of their clothing? Will they have to stitch it into their hats, pants, underwear or bathing suits? What size will the letter be?” another anonymous city official asked. “These are the details we are working on now.”
“I think this is great news,” declared Giovani Shea, a registered Democrat. “Whether chilling at my favorite local coffee shop or stitching together a pair of pants by the river, I want to know who is around, and whether they’re actually keeping Portland “Weird”, or are they part of the establishment? In fact, I don’t think the law goes far enough; I want to see identifying marks on their cars and houses too.”
No local Republicans could be found for comment.