EAGLE, ID— It has come to this. The red potato, more commercially known as the redskin potato, has come under scrutiny from social justice warriors, vegan recovery groups, and PEST, People for the Enlightenment of Stem Tubers.
“It’s just not right!” said Idaho potato magnate Spud Russet. “All these years we’ve gone along without any trouble. Now, we’ve got bushels of thin skinned, damn, dirty hippies and long hairs lining up – one potato, two potato – just whipping up trouble, when they should keep their traps shut, go out and get jobs, instead of disrespecting the flag!”
Russet’s not alone in the field. Other potato manufacturers note a drop in sales, and face mounting PR hurdles in an effort to distance themselves from controversy.
“What the hell’s next?” asked Russet. “I suppose Red Skelton and Red Buttons, the Red Cross, Lucille Ball and every red-blooded American will now take a hit, all because a bunch of snowflakes decided to go on the warpath!”
“I’ll be scalloped, mashed and julienned before I’m run off my own land just because a bunch of intruders think they have the God given right to take what’s mine!” huffed Russet.