Trump Removes The Zodiac Sign of Libra, Eliminating Dates Of Birth For Millions

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Lillian Fabricant
Lillian Fabricant
Everyone keeps asking me why I am on this planet. Rude. I live by the following rules: 1)Take a penny, leave a penny. 2) I'm not touching gross pennies. I LOVE your hat, btw!
Libra lives don’t matter.

Fuming after his poorly attended, obesely oversold rally in Tulsa last night, Donald Trump signed a proclamation directing the Department of Justice head, William Barr, to remove Libra from the horoscope and history, and to consider ways of implementing a ban on several other familiar zodiac signs the president characterizes as hoaxes and Democrat lies.

The president declared early this morning, in a tweet, that Libra is a fake sign. He spent the morning belligerently arguing with aides and reporters that most Libras vote democrat, and are in favor of libraries, and that, effective immediately, he believes none of those people were born, nor can they vote.

“Voter fraud is rampant, and it’s going to be rampant way more deceivafley, by the election in November, and everyone knows it, because I know it”, remarked President Trump during his morning break. Attorney General Barr, who was there anyway, acknowledged that Trump knew it, and that because it was a thing known by the holder of the office of the president, he (Barr) felt it was his duty to blew it.

“I’m confident that my DOJ lawyers for the President’s personal lawyers, as well as his White House counsel lawyers, have all the resources they need to accomplish this, without even involving the law, any fired lawyers, or Melania Trump’s pre-nup lawyer, or the legal nerdburgers in the House of Representatives,to do this thing, to make this Libra, as a Zodiac Sign, just go away”, the head of the Department of Justice asserted.

Barr, citing racism and Covid-19 as other things the president is aware of that he now expects to not exist, stated he planned to move quickly to have the voting registrations pulled, and the black ones stifled, for any Americans born during the part of the year when the constellation Libra occupies an agreed upon part of the sky, whenever that is. (editors note: September 23 – October 22)

The strategy of eliminating Libras from society by November is a key example of the procedural shenaniganism Trump has harnessed the Department of Justice’s powers for, in order to subvert the will of people he doesn’t like. And while President Trump has hinted in the past about wanting to eliminate various zodiac signs, it was usually in regard to the birth date of ugly women he used to think were beautiful, but not anymore.

Since well before he entered politics, simply making fun of the woman in question’s appearance on her birthday has been sufficient, in the past, to calm the President the fuck down, without any specific policy mumbo-jumbo actually being created. But now, with his polling numbers plummeting, Trump feels he can no longer afford simple personal animus when actual voter suppression has to be accomplished, according to people familiar with his thoughts on the matter.

Despite the fact that there is nothing anyone but Senate Leader Mitch McConnell can do to prevent the subsummation of a twelfth of the current population of the United States, some allies of the president have expressed being troubled by concerns regarding certain specific Libras of note, ones that they felt were pivotal to Republicans retaining control of power in the Senate. Greta Thunberg and Hunter Biden are both Libras. Without being able to run against Hunter Biden many GOP analcysts are afraid Trump has no path to victory, not unless all the other signs of the zodiac are eliminated as well.

It should also be noted, as Ivanka Trump has noted, repeatedly in interviews, tediously, that, while she considers getting out her father’s message about phony Zodiacoliatry to be job number one, and a number two, for the entire Trump family, it isn’t just because it is what the country needs to heal, and stop being sick (or dead,) and divided.  Despite all that positive junk and stuff, the President’s favorite daughter took pains to remind the public that it should never forget that both Melania Trump and Barron Trump are Libras.

Mrs. Kushner then bemoaned the lack of credit her father receives for his sacrifices, but she was sort of making smirky mean eyes and greedy hands when she said so.

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